Leave the luggage at the door…
There’s nothing worse than loving someone who can’t leave the problems of their previous relationship at the door. True we all have a few bags we tend to hold on to, but the entire luggage set don’t need to go with you.
I was young when I had my first son (16) and I just knew that the person I was with at the time would one day be my husband. We eventually moved in together and had a second son (19). Things began to slowly change between us. We both wanted different things out of life. Here I was 19 with 2 boys and in an emotionally violent relationship with someone who I thought I was supposed to be with.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was time we go our separate ways and my boys deserved better than what I was giving them at the moment. Yes I loved that person, but I loved me more. I soon began dating and for a while it was just that. Dating. I wasn’t looking for a long term relationship because I promised myself that I wouldn’t allow another man to do me like the previous one had done.
I was mean and sometimes evil towards the guys that came into my life. I thought I was protecting myself, but what I was really doing was hurting myself by giving up on love. I knew that I was still lovable, but I couldn’t see me loving someone else.
Along came Mal…funny, arrogant, and knew what he wanted out of life and was working towards it. We were just friends at first; we would talk about everything, hang out and enjoyed spending the little time we could with each other.
I let my guard down around him and I didn’t feel the need to treat him badly to keep my distance between us. I still find it funny that we are where we are now, because it wasn’t something we saw back then. The one thing that I had to respect about him was that he demanded respect and knew he was a man that deserved it.
I remember he and I had an argument and that wall came up and I went to popping off at the mouth about something and he stepped to me and looked me in my eyes and calmly said “I don’t know what type of dudes you use to dealing with but this man standing here right now is not him so take that chip off your shoulder and stop punishing me for some shit they did” I couldn’t do anything but do a quick self-evaluation. He was right he didn’t deserve what was happening to him and I was called on it. He hadn’t done anything to warrant me talking to him the way I had been talking.
Here I was dragging all my bags around with me that I still had yet to leave at the door. It was then that I decided to trust him enough to know that he wouldn’t do me the way the other person had. We had our share of arguments, but it was never based on anything other than what we had going on at the time.
We as women have the tendency to hold on to everything so that we could protect ourselves from the “what if he did the same thing the other guy did”. What if he wants to love you, but you so busy holding on to some shit that the other guy brought you through that you can’t see it.
We (women/men) are constantly saying we are looking for a good partner, but we are too busy comparing the person standing in front of us to the last person who hurt us. I know me personally wouldn’t hang around for someone to go down their check list to see if I’m good enough for them.
Finding the right person for you is learning to except the person for who he/she is and not about a list of haves and have not’s. Try dating the person for the sake of getting to know them. Talk, have fun and enjoy the company of each other. If you don’t like it then move on. Stop trying to build the perfect person. Stop trying to change Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right. You just may find out that it wasn’t the other person; it was you and your luggage that you refused to leave at the door that was stopping you from finding your good man/women.