She has daddy issues…
Yes it’s true, I had daddy issues. Growing up in a single parent home left me feeling empty for a while. I had questions that my mom could not answer and the one person that could I had never met or spoken to.
My father; the astronaut, brain surgeon, rich guy who one day will come rescue me from the drug, and violence infested housing projects that I called home. This is what I imagined him to be, I imagined that he wanted to come take me away but was too busy working and getting things ready for me to come live with him.
This Christmas will be the best one yet; my daddy will pull up in a truck full of gifts and finally take me with him. That day like many others never came.
A little girl living in her head; trying to make an excuse for a grown ass man who simply didn’t care enough about her to call or visit. I didn’t know who to me mad at more; my father for walking away without looking back or my mother who let him.
18 years old and a kid later, I was finally about to meet my father, I didn’t know how to feel or what to expect. Should I tell him how I truly felt about what he did or didn’t do? Should I go with my first mind to cuss his ass out and be done with it all for once?
Nope…instead we said hello and he moved on with the conversation as if he had only been away a few days. We took pictures and I met my uncles, cousins and grandmother for the first time. They however made it known that my father wasn’t shit. Grandma was a G! She lit into him like no other and one of my uncles tore into him for not telling them I existed and that they would have done more if he would have said something.
I kept in contact with my grandmother and didn’t hear from my father until I was 27 years old. He called me singing happy birthday and I didn’t know who he was, I asked who it was and he said “your daddy”. My daddy, shit dude he been dead to me was my response. It was true I had a full service for this person in my head. I buried those feelings and went forward with life.
32 years old and the phone rings, the person on the other end simply says” daddy is dying”. “That’s good” was my response and he asks did I hear him.” Yes I heard you, and that is great news, for me at least”. He said “why is that good news to you?” “Then you would stop calling me when you think you need to check me”.
I think I was angry at the fact that he felt he had the right to call and have a conversation with me now that I can take care of myself and no longer need him to take me away to a better place.
He insisted on having a conversation and I thought ok since you feel like talking, answer a few questions for me. Why didn’t you call or care enough back then to do what you are trying to do now? Did you care if I was hungry, cold, growing up in a good environment or not? Did you send my mom money or add me to your benefits to make sure that I was taken care of even if you couldn’t be there?
The line was quiet and before he could reply I explained to him that I was grown, married with kids and there was no need for him to lie to spare my feelings. He took a deep breath and said he tried to go and add me to his benefits (Navy) but his wife told him not to, so he simply didn’t worry about it. At first I was angry that he tried to place the blame solely on his now deceased wife.
Then I realized that I now had an answer, the answer to those question I had as a little girl was simple, he didn’t care. I told him now that it has been said I no longer needed to hear from him and we both should leave it at that and hung up the phone.
That was the last conversation I had with the man I knew to be my father. A chapter closed and a little life evaluation took place. I didn’t have daddy issues. That void over the years had been filled by my step father who even after death made sure I was taken care of. My uncles who stepped up and gave me the love and truth I needed. My brother who was my protector and my mom and aunts who made sure I knew what it was to stand on my own feet and take no shit or excuses from no one. I may not have known what I wanted in a husband. but I damn sure knew what I didn’t want.
I am the woman I am today because I had daddy issues.Take what you didn’t have and use that to do better, appreciate what you had in the people who did love you enough to stick around. Most importantly love you enough to let go and live.